LIfe going to hell in a handbasket

Well... where do I start? I have been married 17yrs now with 4 kids. My husband and I separated for 3 years before reconciling. Over the years he enjoyed a drink or two or three and it got to him going through a 4 litre cask of wine every two days! He started 'hiding' casks in the tool shed - as if we didn't know.

I am a registered nurse and it was obvious to me he had a problem, but according to him I had the problem not him. Then one evening after he had finished work he was breathalysed and found to be over the limit - 16 hours after his last drink! I immediately thought that there was something wrong with his liver, as the alcohol wasn't being metabolised and remaining in his system. But what would I know right? He lost his licence for 6 months. A doctor confirmed that his liver is damaged from years of drinking - but the thing is, he's only 39 not 67 as his liver would indicate!!

Since then he has assured me that he had stopped drinking, but he was having these odd "symptoms' of an evening, especially on a weekend. Glassy eyes, slurred speech, odd smell on his breath, poor coordination, being argumentative and aggressive. But he wasn't drinking right? We even went to the doctor's as I thought these symptoms could also be indicators of diabetes. I just knew there was something wrong and if he wasn't drinking then we needed to find out what was causing these symptoms.

A couple of weeks ago, my kids found two bottles of vodka - half empty stashed up the side of the house! So now I knew. He went to the specialist and lied, he went to the doctor and lied. He was looking for another reason for what was going on rather than admit that he was an alcoholic.

It makes me very sad. I wanted to believe but there was something just not right with it all. He was telling me that he wasn't drinking, but I was suspicious but couldn't catch him out. I had no proof, so all I could go on was the cluster of symptoms, which, as I said, could have indicated diabetes (I've had people brought into hospital because they were thought to be drunk, but in actual fact they were high blood sugar levels. They act like they're drunk and an alcoholic' smell to them. This is due to the body breaking down fat for energy because it can't convert sugar due to a lack of insulin). With the doctor's diagnosis a few years ago, it was a natural assumption on my part, to think diabetes.

So now he's moving out and I am sad that I have had to make this decision even though it is the right one. His journey is not mine or my childrens. I'm not after sympathy. I feel too stupid for that. I should have known better as I also have worked for a crisis service. Hope is the worst thing to have on the one hand as you want a happy ending. But then there is other hope once it all hits the fan. I have two cake orders to fill before the end of next week (gumpaste roses to make) ...and life goes on.

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Permalink Reply by tracy anne on July 23, 2011 at 2:12pm

Hi i am haveing the same problem with my husband and he has type 1 diabetes and is killing him self we have 3 young kids and they dont seem to matter to him i just don't have the courage to throw him out because if he does end up dead i will have to live with the guilt i have had to save his life more than once when he has been unconciuse with a hypo and i have had to inject him with glucose and when his sugar is to high his body is shutting down and he ends up in hospitail to sort the dka i am at my witts end

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Permalink Reply by Bettina Dwyer on July 23, 2011 at 9:57pm

Look at your kids faces next time he collapses and ask yourself if you're doing the right thing? The only thing you can control is yourself and your kids environment while they are young. Ultimately it is your husband who is in control of the decisions he makes about his own health, not you. He is after all an adult who can, presumably, tie his own shoes and go out to work each day an get home to the same address each time he leaves the house.

It is not up to you to be his mother and nurse - there are other people who do that job very well - and at some stage you have to step up and be a mother bear to your cubs. If he is complacent about dying in front of his children; modeling inappropriate health care behaviours for his children to follow then you need to tap into your mother bear energy and either swat him with your paw (metaphorically) or run him out of your territory to protect your cubs.

The thing about mother bears is they are cuddly, loving, fantastic providers but above all HUGE and vicious if anyone messes with her cubs!

Your husband knows there will always be someone to save him so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions or lack there of. His denial of his medical condition means that everyone else becomes responsible. Some people have to hit rock bottom before a change occurs.

You can't save him unless he wants it but you can save your kids from bearing witness. As the song goes every breath you take, every move you make I'll be watching you. Kids aren't blank they hear, see, and feel everything even if you think you have taken it to another room away from them.

Kids first. What he choses to do is HIS decision alone. He has control over what he decided to do and what actions he will/will not take. If he choses to ignore the warning signs of his diabetes then there are consequences to that decision. The freedom to be an adult is the freedom to also accept the consequences for decisions made.

It is no easy matter and it doesn't provide relief when they go....initially, but in the past few months when I see my eldest sons behaviour improve dramatically, see everyone smiling and joking around, feel relaxed in situations when I would have been stressed I think it was worth it. My ex is now in control of and accountable for his life and I don't have to watch him drink himself to death.

I've also decided to flash back to my punk roots and have done some purple streaks in my hair and pierced my nose! I lost myself for a long time and was 'only' Emma, James, Connor or Erin's mum or Stephen's wife, not really a person in my own right. I'd become a dowdy, beige wallpaper mum; someone from the 'little boxes made of ticky tacky' song. I'm finding my wings again and I like what I see. You will too.

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Permalink Reply by Natasha on November 3, 2011 at 9:25am

Hi Bettina,

I joined this forum during the week....and I've been viewing certain topics, joining groups and basically felt like a kid in a candy factory.

When I saw the title "Life going to hell in a handbasket" .... I thought hmmmm what could this be about.?

I read your story, i could identify from a childs point of view....and I thought...wow a group of strangers drawn together by what they love -creating master pieces- and becoming companions through the sharing of information.... but also in this companionship be in a position to share their darkest moments and have no fear of being judged.

These are the type of people I can call friend. Where you can sit down, exhale...and not be worried if you pop a button in the process.

LIfe going to hell in a handbasket

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